


When We're Older

by writeandexhale



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Future Fic, Implied Sexual Content, Language, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-08-19 08:47:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20206978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writeandexhale/pseuds/writeandexhale
Summary: At 23, Cyrus is living in New York, working at a job he loves, and he is happy.  A text from a surprise visitor from his past makes him wonder how satisfied he is, and what hurt he still holds on to.





	1. Past Reminders

**Author's Note:**

> Just a heads up, this is an aged-up fic with all our characters now in their 20s, consequently they will use crass language and their relationships have progressed past just kissing and holding hands - nothing explicit but this is aimed at an audience in their teens and up.
> 
> With that out of the way, hope you enjoy and let me know what you think!

I still can’t describe how good that moment felt, souls laid bare and fingers entwined. More than ever before I felt seen in that moment, understood, accepted. The sweet and palpable joy of that moment has never left me.

Nor has the hurt that followed.

God it is ridiculous for me to care like this!I am 23 years old, I have a job that I love and I live in a place that I love, so why does my mind continually hang on the words spoken to me as a child?

Ugh.

I reach under my bed, where, as always, tucked in a box in a corner lies the written record of my youth.The well worn pages flip so easily to the spot I seek.

> _June 26, 2019_
> 
> _AHHHHHHH TJ HELD MY HAND OMG TJ REALLY HELD ME HANDDDDDDDDD!!!!!_
> 
> _Diary this is the greatest day of my live, so at Andi’s party tonight, TJ had come with Kira and I was so so so sad about it, but then I guess he like, told her to leave or something, and then we all sang Born This Way together (apparently TJ plays the piano!?!?!?!?!?!?) and then. THEN. TJ and I sat down on the bench together and we just, like, started talking super chill and then he told me I could ask him anything so I asked him what his name was and he was like so cute and shy about apparently his name is like theoloneeus jaeger, I don’t even know how to spell that right but whatever, I think its beautiful and I love it._
> 
> _So then he asked me if there was anything else I wanted to know and then he like started moving his hand towards mine and I was freaking out but I played it off so cool and was like, well is there anything else you want to tell me, and he said YEA and oh my god the look in his eyes!!!!!!! And he asked me if I wanted to tell him anything and I said YES and then we freaking held hands like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH._
> 
> _This is officially the best day of my life._
> 
> _I love Thelloneus Jagher Kippen._
> 
> _Is it too early to say I love him???? Probably we aren’t even like a thing officially……_
> 
> _Also I still don’t know how to spell his name…I need to figure that out asap._
> 
> _I need to go to bed. But holy shoot I’ve never been so happy in my life._
> 
> _Ahhhh!!!!! Goodnight!!!!!_

I can’t help but smile as I read that entry.

You know how, for some moments, it’s like you’re moving in slow motion? That is what that night felt like.I can still sense everything; the soft, barely present breeze and gentle cool.His smell and the warmth of his smile.The electricity that coursed through me as his finger meandered towards me, showering my body in sparks when our hands finally met. The feeling of being known safe, known, taken in.

My spine still shivers to think about it.

I wipe my dampening eyes.

Setting down my old journal, I pick back up my phone, the single message still left on my home screen, unopened but poured over.Short in length but potentially endless in meaning. Each word I had read and reread, emphasizing each in its own way, turning it over in my palms, contorting it into a thousand interpretations.

**T.J. Kippen**

God I hadn’t seen that name in so long.

_Hey Cyrus, its T.J…idk if you still have me in your contacts but I’m gonna be in NYC next week for work, and I’d love to grab a drink or coffee or something if you want?I miss you…_

I’ve now spent 30 minutes looking at that stupid text.When I first saw it I literally threw my phone across the room in surprise.It’s been what, six years since we talked?For me it has been six years of growth.Six years of therapy and medicine that finally got me to the place where I could smile without him.

But honestly, what the hell.How does he think he can just come back into my life with no apology or acknowledgement of his failures?Does he think I’m just a rag doll that he can throw on the floor and pick back up at his leisure?

But maybe I’m being too hard on him.We were 17.Obviously people change, lord knows I’ve grown and changed in 101 different ways since we last talked.

But through all of my changing I never stopped thinking of him either.Compulsively checking his instagram for any signs of love, love that I still, despite my best judgement, longed to be for me.

My vibrating phone interrupts my internal monologue, and Jonah’s name appears above T.J.’s on my lock screen.

_wtFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!?!?!?!?!?!_

I had sent him a screenshot of T.J.’s name immediately after I got it.

_holy shit dude I was messing around on the guitar so I wasn’t looking at my phone but oh my god_

_why is he texting you now???_

_have you said anything back to him???_

_do you want me to punch him in the face???? or the dick????_

Everyone needs a friend like Jonah Beck in their life.

_He’s coming to New York next week for work and he wants to hang out apparently!?_

_I haven’t responded yet…I’ve honestly just been sitting here thinking about it for half an hour….I don’t know what to do Jonah…_

_UGH._

_so no dick punching?_

_lol, no…at least not yet _👀

_finnnnneeeee, but you know i’ll do it for you ;)_

_but in all seriousness…what are you going to say…?_

_I have no idea :/_

_well, I guess trust your gut._

_is your instinct to say yes or no?_

_yes._

_but I’m scared to get hurt again_

_Cy you are so much stronger than you were when we were 17.Like, 17 year old Cyrus would be so shocked and impressed by how confident and badass 23 year old Cyrus is.And 23 year old Cyrus won’t take shit from an ex_

_he’ll be in your turf, so if he does pull anything you can just leave_

_Yea you’re right…and I don’t think I could live it down if I didn’t see him…I’d always wonder ya know_

_if that’s what you want then go for it._

_you know I’ll be here no matter what! :)_

_Thanks Jonah…love you brother_

_love you too Cy, good luck!!_

With a deep breath, I navigate back to my sole surviving unread message.Typing and deleting, typing and deleting, typing and deleting; the rhythm of my indecisiveness is almost musical. I’m fretting overthe stupidest things; tiny, insignificant things. Should I use an exclamation point after _hey_? Does that make me look desperate? Should I use a comma or does that make it seem like I’m mad?And what do I even want?What do I hope happens?

Falling back into my pillow, I stare at the ceiling above me, the AC still purring in the window.Of course there’s a part of me that wants to punch him in the face. That wants to tell him to fuck off after reminding him of all the stupid shit he did to me.

But can I ignore the part of me that wants him next to me?The part that, despite my better judgement, just wants to hold him?The part that wants him in my bed?

Damn emotions.

Breathing in deep I pull my phone back in front of my face, and type out a final draft.

_Hey TJ, good to hear from you! It’d be great to meet up sometime next week, my schedule is flexible so let me know what works for you, I miss you too_

I hit send, turning off my phone and praying for sleep I am sure will not come.


	2. Two Years

I wake as light peaks through the lazy corners of my curtains, the blessing of summer and no alarm clock.As I grab my phone, I’m surprised to find it turned off…I never turn it off at night so…

My memory hits like a ton of bricks.

TJ.

My finger darts to the side to power it on as I hide my face in my pillow, now wide awake but contemplating the consequences of whatever message will be on that screen.I feel like screaming into my pillow.WHY do this boy’s potential words give me so much angst?He makes me feel like I’m back in high school in all of the worst ways; the insecurity, the emotional turbulence, the perpetual need to be loved.But he also brings back the good parts; the spontaneity, the optimism. the unbridled joy of being loved. 

Interrupted by phone’s vibration in my hand, I hastily roll over to see response, only to be greeted instead by breaking news push notification doesn’t seem recent enough to be breaking or important enough to be news.Unlocking my phone, I tap my messages, but there’s nothing new hiding there either.

He hasn’t responded.

I sigh, the familiarity of texts left unanswered seeping back into my consciousness. What did I expect? That he would have changed? Become a better person in these last six years?

Letting out a long breath, I roll out of bed and slip into athletic shorts and a t-shirt before pulling back my curtains and letting the light illumine the corners of my Bed-Stuy studio. It isn’t much but it’s 463 square feet that I’m proud of. I love my job. I love helping kids understand themselves better. I could be making more money but I’m happy. So why am I nervous about what TJ thinks of my life? Wy should I care? He probably doesn’t even give a shit about me or my life!

But then why would he say that he missed me? Ugh.

Powering on my speaker, I bring it into the bathroom as I press play on my morning news podcast routine, hoping desperately that it will provide some relief from my internal monologue. As my shower starts and the water washes off the thin film of NYC’s summer heat, I can’t help but be distracted by my own thoughts, only catching every other sentence of my podcasts and becoming increasingly confused the stories they are telling. Leaning against the shower wall, I resign myself to the fate of distracting until a sharp ‘ping’ reverberates from the bluetooth speaker sitting outside of my shower, as I heard my phone vibrate three times in quick succession.

The burst of excitement I remember feeling when I would receive texts from TJ in high school was suddenly sweeping over me, as if adrenaline was pouring out of the shower head. My lovestruck, high school self had given a separate vibration pattern for when I received texts from TJ, so I could know even before I took it out of my pocket that it was him. I never had the heart to change it back after…I guess I just was holding out hope I could feel it again.

The rest of my shower was a blur as I sped through my routine, my heart racing with the angst of an unread text. Rinsed, I turn off the shower, wrapping myself in a towel, drying my hands immediately grabbing my phone from its perch on the shelf.Pausing the podcast, lord knows I hadn’t retained a word of it anyway, I hunched over the sink, phone in hand, eyes finding their focus.

**T.J. Kippen**

Deep breath, Cyrus.

_Awesome!! I’ll be getting in to the city Monday evening…want to grab drinks Monday night?_

There is a universe in which I am an infinitely strong and self confident individual who don’t need no man and who knows how to withhold the response text, making them wait for it and suffer in the cruel in-between.

This is not that universe and I am not that Cyrus.

_Yea that sounds great! Where are you staying? I can look for a good bar near your hotel_

_Oh…ummm_

_well actually, I think my work ran into some issues with the hotel and my reservation got screwed up so we don’t know where we’re staying yet_

_So, maybe just a good bar near your place?_

_Hmm alright, my apartment is a bit out of the way_

_I work closer to Manhattan though, in Williamsburg, there’s lots of good bars and stuff there too so I’ll look around and let you know_

_Yea that sounds great!_

_It will be amazing to see you again…_

_Same!_

_I’ll text you Monday when I figure out the bar_

_See you in two days!_

_Awesome!!_

That boy drives me crazy. I can’t help but be focused on him in what I’m sure will become a pattern for the next two days. Making breakfast, I’m thinking of him. Watching late night clips on youtube, I’m thinking of him. Trying to do my work for my graduate class, a class that is easy enough I could normally do it in my sleep, but still my mind persistently tugs back to him. Resuscitating old memories and breathing life into those which I had long left for dead.

It is crazy how someone can hijack your thoughts so quickly. I had spent so little cognitive energy on TJ for years and now I can’t get him out of my mind. Not only that, but my emotional intelligence feels as though it has sunk back to my high school angst as well. My cool-headed realism dead in the face of hormonal speculation. I don’t even know what it is that I want to happen? Do I want to punch him or hug him? Do I want him to say sorry? Do I want to apologize?

I close my laptop, painfully aware of its uselessness to me at this moment and sprawl across my bed, reaching again for the journal holding my memories of him. If I am going to face this man I at least need to remind myself of the first time I walked down this road with TJ, and the first time the road hit a dead end.

I flip past that night on the bench and the week of angsty joy that followed, to what, in retrospect, seems to have been the first of many knives to our relationship, or friendship, or thing? Whatever it was.I sigh in acknowledgement of the painful memories I am uncovering.

> _July 5, 2019_
> 
> _Well…shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit._
> 
> _Finally, FINALLY something was going right.Why the HELL did TJs mom have to get a job THREE HOURS AWAY!?!?She wasn’t even LOOKING for a job a week ago and then out of nowhere they move??? And they leave on SUNDAY???Do I seriously only have TWO DAYS LEFT WITH TJ WHYYYYYYYY._
> 
> _Maybe this is a sign that I just should be trying harder to like girls. Or to stop liking guys who are way out of my league. I just like TJ so much and now……_
> 
> _Now we’ll never even get to see where this goes._
> 
> _Goodnight diary…_
> 
> _I know I’ve never written this before, but fuck this._
> 
> _FUCK. THIS._

A soft, single tear dampens the corner of my eye, this first glimpse of heartache sad, but almost adorable. I can’t help but offer a gentle smile as I reminisce on my youth and its innocence. My hesitancy to sweat, my apocalyptic vision of what a simple move would mean.

I continue to flip forward, through the following week where we texted each other every day, throughthe day he told me he wasn’t going to be able to use his phone or email for awhile, and for the two years that I didn’t hear anything from him. I can’t help but pause as I think on that. We had been best friends, we had just started to become…something more? And then nothing. Without any explanation. Just total abandonment for two long years. The smile is gone from my face as there is nothing amusing in this memory.I have never been able to understand that radio silence, one of the many questions I feel I will have to raise on Monday.

I finally flip to the summer after sophomore year, the summer it seemed things might be turning back around.

> _June 13, 2021_
> 
> _OH. MY. GOD._
> 
> _Jonah and I were at the mall today to go see the new Spider-Man movie (a side note, god bless Tom Holland for existing and being so freaking gorgeous. marry me Tom) but anyway, as we were walking over to the theater I glanced at the food court and you wouldn’t believe who was at one of the tables…_
> 
> _TJ FUCKING KIPPEN._
> 
> _WHATTTTTTTTT THE HELL!?!?!?!_
> 
> _Poor Jonah, I must have almost ripped his arm right off his body, which is impressive considering my general lack of upper body strength, but right as I pointed him out TJ looked up and made eye contact with me and we just stared at each other for what felt like an hour but couldn’t have been more than a few seconds. He looked…sad? Why does HE get to look sad?? I’m the one whose messages were ignored. I’m not the one who disappeared off the face of the planet and then DIDN’T TELL ME when he came back. So why in hell does he have any right to look sad?_
> 
> _I am not going to send him the first message. God I want to but I will not. I did that for two years and I won’t do it again. If he wants to talk to me he can ask, but I’m done doing all of the work._
> 
> _UGH. WHY ARE BOYS SO COMPLICATED???_
> 
> _*sighs in gay*_
> 
> _goodnight :(_

I roll onto my back as I skim through the next year of entries. Observing their fractured story of a friendship rebuilt. A friendship where we never mentioned what lay in our past. Wherewe ignored the two years of silence.

“I’m sorry, things got really weird,” he would say, “you were kind of clingy and I needed some space.But now that my mom’s job is back here…maybe we can try again?”

Never mind that he never needed space from Marty or Reed or Amber or anyone else…he just needed space from me.But still, we rebuilt the friendship. In coffee dates (though he always called them meet-ups), in trips to the movies, in late nights in his driveway, staring up at the stars and pondering our place amongst them. I always felt that there was something he was holding back, a truth left unnamed, an existence unspoken. Until the summer before our senior year. Until the night _he _suggested we have a sleepover, or whatever you’re supposed to call them when you’re in high school.

I almost can’t bear to read this entry, I am cursed with knowing what comes next.With a deep breath, I turn the page.

> _August 13, 2022_
> 
> _OMG. SO..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, that was not a mistake. Yes, there will be more to this diary entry.  
Suspense is fun :)  
Hope you're enjoying it! Let me know what you think!


	3. Branded Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw//brief mentions of depression and implied suicidal ideation

> _August 13, 2022_
> 
> _OMG. SO I CANNOT BELIEVE LAST NIGHT REALLY HAPPENED!!!!!_
> 
> _OK. So I got to TJ’shouse at like 7pm or something like that and then we went for ice cream (AND HE PAYED FOR ME UGH CRYING) and he was being REALLY cute and REALLY touchy, like, I mean he’s always been a bit of a softie but like, god I felt like if he was going to brush against my shoulder one more time I would die of joy. And so his parents hadn’t been there when I got there but I figured they’d be back but when we got back to his house I asked him when they were getting back and he got this super shy smile on his face and said they weren’t and they were going to be gone the whole weekend!!!!!!!_
> 
> _But I had been down this path before and I was NOT going to get my hopes up over this boy again so I stuffed all of the gay down into a nice tiny box, wrapped it in a rainbow ribbon, and shoved it as far down into myself as humanely possible (spoiler alert - that doesn’t work bud!)_
> 
> _Anyway we decided to watch a movie and I sat down on the couch while he got popcorn and I thought he was going to sit in the nice chair that he usually sits in but instead when he came back he sat RIGHT next to me!! Like, not even on the other corner of the couch, that boy sat right in the middle of the couch and our thighs brushed against each other AND. I. WAS. DEAD._
> 
> _Then we were like 15 minutes into the movie and we kept ‘accidentally’ brushing each others hands when we went to grab popcorn, but again - keeping my hopes low! But then my hand was just resting next to me on the couch and I swear to god his hand started inching towards mine, like I was trying not to stare but that poor little box inside of me where I had tried to hide the gay was just EXPLODING. So I started inching my finger out and it literally felt like there was this mix of electricity and magnetism coursing through my veins I can’t even describe it, it brought me right back to that bench at Andi’s party!We held hands for next like 10 minutes but we just kept inching closer and closer to each other and I was sure he could hear my heart beating as I was freaking out and not paying the least bit of attention to the movie.Then I just caught a joke that made the both of us laugh just the tiniest bit and we turned to look into each others eyes and we both leaned in and at first it was just like a quick kiss but I could feel him smile as our faces stayed close and then we just kept kissing and oh my gosh I’ve never been so happy in my life._
> 
> _But THEN he stood up and with our hands still entwined he got this sheepish look on his face and asked with so much tentative tenderness if I wanted to go to his room????_
> 
> _HO. LY. FU. CKING. SHIT._
> 
> _AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!_
> 
> _Lets just say the rest of the night took place with a notable lack of clothing and we woke up holding each other in the same bed and I’m still flying so high right now like how could anything EVER be better than this!? I will never be sad again!He made me pancakes before I went home (WITH A WHIPPED CREAM HEART ON THEM *DEAD*) and then we kissed like 10 more times as we tried to say goodbye!! How could I ever hold a grudge against him???  
I’m in LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEEE!!!_

The blissful unawareness I had for the future was so quaint it was almost laughable.To be honest, I’m at the point now where I can laugh about it readily, but that was not an easy thing to achieve and the prospect of seeing him again in two days?I don’t know what to think.I page through the memories and words I know too well.

It started innocently enough, enough that I wasn’t worried. But as the days continued his words got harsher, colder, and I documented them all.

> _…that was fun! But I don’t know if we should do it again…_
> 
> _…it’s like we’re family now…_
> 
> _…you’re like my brother…_
> 
> _…I cried a lot last night thinking about - what happened…_
> 
> _…actually I don’t want to sit outside tonight, I’ll just talk to you tomorrow…_
> 
> _…every time I look at you it hurts…_
> 
> _…I don’t want to see you again…_
> 
> _…stop talking to me, forever…_
> 
> _…goodbye…_

Tears, old and fresh, stained the final pages of that month from hell. That month from hell that left me destroyed for my entire senior year. Too ashamed to tell any of my friends the truth. Too hurt to look at him in the hallway, too in love to look away.

I told myself stories about why he walked away - he couldn’t handle being gay, he was straight but confused, he was ashamed. The story that stuck was that I wasn’t good enough for him.

I made up fantasies about him coming back, professing his love and sweeping me off of my feet - after a basketball game, at prom, at graduation.Fantasies which I always knew would never come to pass.

I left for college hoping, more than anything else, that I would be leaving him behind. But he had given me so much more than I could have ever imagined. He gave me doubt in my own self worth. He gave me belief that I was unworthy of being loved. He helped me recognize the chemical depression that lingered just below my pleasant surface. He made me wonder if I was even worth the space I inhabited on this planet.

But he didn’t give me the strength to rebuild, I got that all on my own. He didn’t give me the courage to move out to New York, I found that inside of me. He didn’t teach me not to feel shame that I need medication to be ok, I figured that out without him. I am thriving here, and I got here without him.

So why do I still miss him?

He still holds this absurd amount of power over me. I suppose it must be a remnant of love, an emotional closeness that cannot disappear simply because I wish it to. And what will I say when in two days I see him? Do I tell him this whole saga? These memories that are branded into my subconscious, an irrevocable past I cannot escape, do I share them? Does he even remember?

Day had turned to night as I poured over the manuscript of my memory.I stand to get ready for bed and place my journal back under my bed. His presence still hangs on me, with every motion a memory overturns and it is becoming painfully obvious that he will be renting a room in my head for the next two days and there is nothing I can do to evict him. I take off my athletic shorts and t-shirt and toss them on my couch, climbing under the covers on my bed.

Hopefully I can at least get some peace in my sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're enjoying it! Let me know what you think below!  
Also this is a weird mix of fanfic and autobiography, so Cyrus is definitely a lot more like me in this story than the show makes him out to be, but hey - creative license 🤷🏻♂️


	4. Drinks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw//mild alcohol consumption

The G towards Queens is calm, most of the commuters are home and the night time crowd has yet to emerge. It’s only a few stops for me to get to Metropolitan but I almost wish there were more people on this train so I could disappear into the crowd.It feels like I’m being ripped apart by these two dueling forces that want marry TJ the second I see him or murder him the second I see him. 

It’s an impossible task to come face to face with one you once called your best friend, your first true love, the first guy who ever saw _all _of you and who let you see all of him - only to renounce your friendship, your love, and _all _of you.These competing visions of the TJ I loved and the TJ that left bring on headaches and heartaches that make me feel like I’m in high school all over again, the raging hormones and irrationality that I swore I had banished all crashing back in on me.

_Stand clear of the closing doors, please…_

Shit.

I snap out of my thoughts and leap out of my seat, sticking my foot between the doors, squeezing out as they desperately try to trap me in. A beleaguered MTA employee rolls her eyes at me as I straighten out my shirt and pretend that I hadn’t almost missed my stop.

The viscous heat of the humid, New York summer evening hits me as I start to climb up the stairs from the platform, no longer protected by the cool air conditioning of the subway car. It only worsens as I push through the turnstile and climb up to the street, still bathed in the pre-dusk sunlight.

Glancing down at my watch, I see 6:25pm, five minutes before I told TJ I’d meet him. I uncharacteristically wait at each intersection the crosswalk sign to turn, avoiding my normal, hurried habit of checking to see if there are any cars preventing me from jaywalking. The blocks pass too quickly, or maybe not quickly enough - I’m still not sure, and I see Clem’s across the street.

It’s a nice little local bar, pretty close to school and my coworkers and I frequent it on Friday afternoons.Normally enamored by the outdoor seating, I instead head toward the door to go inside as the last thing I need is a student walking by as a resurrect the most raw, emotional memories I hold.

I glance down at my watch again, just as 6:29 turns to 6:30. If only I could be this punctual in less stressful moments of my life.

Pushing the door open, I scan the room.No TJ.

My emotions are betraying me again, as I debate whether to feel sadness or relief at his absence. My internal debate is cut short as I flinch at the soft touch of a hand on my shoulder.

“Hey there stranger!”

My mind is running a mile a minute as I turn to meet those soft green eyes I’d so dearly missed. Do I hug him? Do we shake hands? Do I hit him? All of the emotional training I had done in preparation for this moment has vanished as I struggle to form words let alone movements.

My momentary existential crisis is ended as he reaches out his hand towards mine. I exhale and meet his hand halfway, giving a soft half hug with my other arm.

“Hey TJ!” I say with what I consider to be an incredibly well put on amount of calm and cool. “It’s so good to see you again!” And I mean it. But I also don’t mean it.

I’m not sure what I mean yet.

“You too Cy,” his face, the living embodiment of the smiley emoji, as he speaks; and I can’t help but melt at his shorthand for my name that he always knew I loved.

“Wanna sit here?” I ask, gesturing to a small booth, tucked into a corner next to the door. A bit of a private alcove in this public space.

“Looks great!”

“Do you know what you want to drink? First round’s on me.”

“Umm, what do they have? Do you have any suggestions?”

“The Brooklyn IPA is pretty good, it’s got a juicy taste to it.”

“That sounds good to me!”

“Awesome, I’ll go grab them!”

I meander towards the far end of the bar where the bar tender is cleaning some glasses.

“Two of the Brooklyn IPAs please,” I ask after getting her attention. While I wait, I can’t help but steal glances back at TJ, trying to process everything I see in him.In many ways, he’s so much the same.Taller than me and lankier than me, surprisingly lanky for 23. Not that I would have expected him to put on a lot of weight but he looks thin. His hair, always a source of pride, seems almost…greasy? Its hard to imagine him not washing it but its unmistakable, its the same thing I see in some of my students, his hair is brushed, rinsed with water maybe, but not clean.

The bar tender returns with two full glasses as I hand her my credit card.

“Open or closed?” I meet her eyes and then glance back towards TJ.

“Umm, leave it open, please,”

“Sounds good Mr. Goodman,” she remarks, chuckling at her own joke as she turn towards another customer.

With both glasses in hand I return to TJ, only spilling a little on my hands in the process.

“You always were a bit uncoordinated,” TJ says, giggling as I set down the drinks, which, again, I spilled very little of and was proud of how well I had done until I came back to that remark.

“Well you were always a bit oblivious,” my smug retort only half a joke.

“Now, now, I don’t see any swing sets around here so we can’t start with that conversation,” his eyes lighting up ever so slightly at the memory.

“Fair point,” I reply, subject to his disarming gaze.

He takes a long swig of his beer before returning his eyes to mine.

“Can I say something before we talk anymore, Cy?”

I shift uncomfortably, unsure of where this is heading.

“Of course,” I say with feigned confidence.

TJ’s eyes dart anxiously from me, to his drink, to various points around the room, before settling somewhere between his hands and mine, only occasionally mustering the courage to return my gaze.

“I just…I really don’t know how to start this but, well.” He takes a deep breath, seeming to assure himself of his words. “I’m really sorry, Cyrus.For everything.For pushing you away, for hiding from you, for not being there for you, for the awful, awful things that I said to you. Cyrus, I…hmm.” He exhales. “Cyrus there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you, miss you, and hate myself for what I did to you.The way I treated you, that…that was the worst, meanest way I’ve ever treated anyone. I can’t even imagine how that felt and what that must have been like. I know how much you trusted me and I screwed it up. I broke your trust. Not just breaking it, I destroyed it. I am so, so sorry.I don’t expect you to be able to forgive me. I just really needed to say that to you.”

TJ is staring straight down at his hands as I process the apology I have longed for for six years.

“Was it all a lie?”

TJ’s eyes dart to mine, startled by the question. Even I was surprised by my own directness.

“What?”

“Was everything you said to me in high school a lie? Was it all a joke to you? When we held hands? When we kissed? When we…had sex was that just…nothing? An experiment? Because I felt something then, and I thought you were feeling so-“

“Oh god, Cy, no, of course not!” TJ cuts me off with force.”

“Then why…” I grasp for words that don’t come.

“Why be a total asshole to you and push you away?”

“Yea…”

TJ takes a breath.

“I was scared…I’m still scared…”

TJ’s eye contact is now steady, but his eyes betray a deep, honest, raw pain.

“Why are you scared? Are you scared of coming out?”

He nods, slowly, with small motions.

“And you’re still scared now?”

He nods again, even smaller now.

“TJ,” I place my hands over his and he raises his eyes towards mine. “Are you really here on business?”

This time he doesn’t nod. Almost imperceptibly, he shakes his head from side to side.

A single tear forms in the corner of his eye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhangers are fun right! Let me know what you think because who doesn't love some external validation amirite?


	5. Since Then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw//internal and external homophobia, weaponized religious language, family cruelty (verbal not physical)

“But, totally cut off? How could they just, do that to you?”

TJ is holding back the worst of his tears, but it looks like the dam is about to break.

“I finally told them about…everything…”

“And they kicked you out?”

He nods, seeming small. TJ is clearly putting all of his effort into holding himself together, and I’m not sure how much further I should push him. But my confusion and curiosity get the better of me.

“So…have you, liked me this whole time?”  
The dam breaks as TJ’s emotions cascade out into the bar and I do my best to contain the flood waters to our little corner. My impulse to comfort is contorted by our complex past. Before I can stop myself, I reach out for his hands again, this time allowing our fingers to intertwine and our hearts to connect.

“TJ,” my voice is low and steady, not betraying the lack of certainty I am feeling. “I want to help you, I really do. And I want to trust you again. I swear I do. But…but to trust you I need to know the whole truth of why you did what you did.”

He breathes in deeply through his nose.

“I guess I should probably start from the beginning then…”

“Yea.”

TJ takes another long breath, slowly opening and closing his eyes as he does so.The light breaking through the windows is shifting from white to gold as the shadow of his face on the wall behind him grows longer and his face is bathed in a warm glow I can’t look away from.

“I guess I should probably start by talking about my family.They’re…they are all _good _people, I really mean that. They always supported me and love me, or, well I guess they do what they think is loving me in the best way they can.

“My parents are both religious, and like, fundamentalist Christian religious. They believe that everything in the Bible is a factual statement that came down from God and the only way for us to understand it and is to read all of it literally and the only way to be a good Christian is to always do our best to follow those rules. And so _everything _in our family was about following the rules, about being ‘good’ enough. I never felt like I was enough just because I was TJ, you know, I had to be good enough for my mom, for my dad, for God himself and…and that was, and is, really, really stressful.”

I nod along as he speaks, I am far too aware of the toxicity that religion based on being good enough and doing the right things. After I came out one of my aunts didn’t talk to me for a year, and when she finally did it was just to tell me how I was a disgrace to my family, to God, and to all Jews. So I get it.

“Even though they have the same faith, my parents express it in such different ways. You know them, they are such different people…its like they feel as if they _have _to fit into the archetype of what it means to be a man and a woman.My mom is so gentle and kind and…_submissive? _I guess? I hate that word but I feel like it fits for her. I don’t even know what she thinks or believes because she never says anything remotely controversial or independent. She ALWAYS defers to dad, and he’s…well, dad. I always wanted to be good enough for him. And that meant being a good, Christian _man_ who was good at basketball. I wanted so badly to be good enough for him. If he made me take 400 free throws before I could have dessert, I would take 500. If he never showed any emotional fluctuation, neither would I. If he never asked for help, neither would I. I think that’s part of why the dyscalculia screwed with my head so much. To admit that there was something I needed help on? That went against everything I saw in my dad about how to be a man.

“So anyway, with that at home, we _never _talked about gay people, certainly not ever considering that I could be one. The only thing that I ever heard about being gay came down from the pulpit at church telling me that ‘homosexual perversion was a choice to act against God,’ that it was an ‘abomination,’ and that anyone living the ‘homosexual lifestyle’ wasn’t really gay, they were just using that to try and fill the ‘Jesus shaped hole in their heart.’Obviously if it was that bad to be gay then I certainly couldn’t be, or wouldn’t be.I just, kindastayed distant from people then. It wasn’t necessarily on purpose, I don’t even think I was aware of it. But I would be drawn towards trying to impress the other boys around me and I wantedthem to like me, I just…I don’t know it wasn’t even an option that I considered that I was drawn to them because I liked them…like that.

“And then…then I…”

TJ seems to trip on these words, unsure of how to set them free.

“Then you…” I prompt. His shoulders relax.

“Then I met you.”

His voice breaks slightly as he says these words, but I barely notice as we stare into each others’ eyes.Him, checking for acceptance; me, enjoying the view I had convinced myself I hadn’t missed.

“I know it sounds like a cliche but literally from the moment I saw you I just wanted to…to be near you. I wanted you to like me. At first, I just thought that I wanted you to be my friend but…umm…”

TJ’s cheeks flush a deeper red than I’ve ever seen on him before.

“Yea?” I prod.

“I started to…to have…dreams about you…like…_those _types of dreams…”

Suddenly it is my face that is flushed with crimson.

“And I…oh god this is just so embarrassing, umm. Obviously I couldn’t tell my parents what was happening, or at least not _why _it was happening, but at that point I knew. And its kinda weird but the fact that it was something I had no control over, it made me feel more, confident I guess. I knew for sure that it wasn’t a choice I was making or some kind of rebellion. I even wanted to be with you when I was asleep, so how could it not be real?

“Anyway, that’s when we started to hang out more and more and I just wanted to be around you so badly all the time. That was actually when I invited you to that ill-fated dirt bike date. I had been planning that day in my head all week. After we had dirt biked for a while and Reed and Lester were tired and left, I was going to ask you to stay and sit on this beautiful grassy hill between where we biked and my house. During the summer the sunsets there are the most gorgeous things I’ve ever seen to this day, and I wanted to share that scene with you. And then, after the sun had just gone down, I was going to…I was going to tell you how I felt. So when Reed brought the gun…that just destroyed me. I wanted that day to be _ours _so badly and so I froze. I thought I had lost you forever. Those few days where we weren’t speaking were some of the hardest I’d ever had. I just wanted to be near you so much, what I had wanted to bring us together I thought was instead going to tear us apart.

“When we started to hang out again I swore I wasn’t going to let you slip away again. That’s when I asked you about doing the thing for costume day.I was so excited to share that moment with you. I had gotten permission from my boss to go back into the gym that night and I had bought a little box of chocolates and a candle and I was going to invite you to come over to the gym with me after school and…I was going to tell you how I felt…again.Then Kira told me about her costume idea and I told her no, in person and when she texted me about it again, I didn’t want to hurt you and I didn’t want to do anything with her.”

“So what changed?” I ask, a bit overwhelmed by how much I hadn’t known of his past.

“I had been writing out a list of things I needed to get for that night in my English notebook during class and she, she must have seen it or something and she took a picture during class without me noticing and after I turned her costume idea down the second time she sent me a screen shot of that picture in an Instagram draft…it had your name on it…and she added a caption that said something like, ‘looks like your basketball captain is a fag Jefferson.’”

“Oh my god, TJ that’s awful…I’m so, so sorry, I had no idea…”  
“I know you didn’t…she just…she told me if I didn’t do the costume with her she was going to post it right away…and if I told you about it or about how I felt about you she would post it too. So I felt like I didn’t have a choice. That doesn’t excuse what I did to you but I was just so confused and scared.

“I finally told her off at Andi’s party, I didn’t know what she was going to do next and that’s why I decided I needed to act right then or I might miss my chance again. So that’s when we talked on the bench and I was so, so happy. That was honestly the happiest I have ever been. I felt so safe, so known, so cared for. I never wanted it to end.”

“And then your mom got the job three hours away,” I cut in. I know this part of the story, I don’t know why he stopped talking to me though. “But why did you stop talking to me when she did? I get being scared but you didn’t have to completely cut me off…”

“I’m so, so sorry that I couldn’t talk to you. I should have told you why I just…I didn’t know how.”  
“What do you mean?”

“My mom…she didn’t actually get a different job…after Kira figured out I was serious about being with you, she…”

The pain contorts TJ’s face as he grapples with this past that has clearly never left him.I suddenly feel ashamed to have ever been mad at him.

“She sent my parents a message saying that she wanted to date me but that I...she said that I told her I wouldn’t date her because I wasn’t sure if I liked girls.Luckily she didn’t send them the picture with your name on it so they never knew that I liked you, but she told them that she wanted them to know so that they could help to ‘save’ me.”

Anger floods my face at this, “That bi-“

“I know!” TJ cuts me off, “she’s not even a Christian, her family is atheist but she knew how crazy religious my parents were and she thought that she could use that against me and that they would like, force me to date her or something. She didn’t realize just _how _religious my parents were though. When my parents found out they were so…disappointed. They called me to the dining room table and just, didn’t say anything for so long. My mom just looked…like a mix of heartbroken and angry. At me, at herself. The first thing said to me was that she failed as a parent. My dad said I needed help…and that they were going to make sure I got it.

“The next morning they told me to pack a suitcase with all of my clothes, that we were leaving. I asked why but they wouldn’t tell me. They said that mom got a new job but I knew that was bull shit. For one, my mom worked from home, and two, we weren’t even taking all of our stuff with us and we weren’t selling the house. We left that night and I still didn’t know where we were going or why, I told you it was for my mom’s job just because I didn’t want to freak you out.We finally ended up in this small town, it was barely even a town, more like a glorified highway exit. As we drove in we went past a sign that said ‘New in Christ Ministries.’”

I gasp. “TJ, no they didn’t take you there…”

“Yea…yea they did….” His face betrays a deep and lingering pain, a past he has been unable to shake.The first week was like…orientation almost. I guess it was supposed to be a diagnosis to see how ‘gay’ I was.All of us were still there and staying together, and I still had my phone so I could talk to you.At the end of the first week they told my parents that I was deep in the grasps of homosexuality.They literally said I was in its grasp, and that I would need to be detoxed of it to make room for Jesus in my heart, and that I was going to start the next morning.That’s when I sent you the text saying I wasn’t going to be able to use my phone for awhile, but I honestly had no idea how long it would be. Then I deleted our entire text message history so they at least couldn’t use that against me.

“I thought I would be allowed to keep my phone, just only be able to use to like, call my parents or something, but we were totally cut off. The next morning when I went in, they took my phone and all of my clothes and gave them back to my parents. I had to change into this long-sleeve, white, collaredshirt and khaki pants. That was all we were allowed to wear. Then they made my parents leave, we could only see them if they came to church with us on Sundays. And I was there for the next two years…”

“Teej…I am so, so sorry.What…you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to…but what did they do to you there?” There is a painful resolve in TJ’s face, like he knows that talking about it will hurt but that he needs to do it anyway.

“It started off pretty basic…we would read the Bible a lot, we couldn’t make any physical contact with people, and we would have these long ‘therapy sessions’ where they would try and get us to talk about things that our parents had done to us or that other adult men had done…its like they wanted me to have been abused, and then they could make that the reason that I was gay.That sucked but, I guess I at least could handle it. I never really believed what they made me say though and I think they could tell. So after a few months their treatments started getting more and more extreme. They started to make me…umm, like…masturbate to pictures of women…and if I did then they would give me like, an extra dessert or something that night. Then they started to show me pictures of guys and…and they would _watch _me to see if I was ‘enjoying’ looking at them and if they though I was then they would hit me…sometimes I wouldn’t get dinner because of it.I tried so hard not to feel anything when they would show me pictures of boys I really did, I just wanted it all to stop, I wanted to go home, I wanted to see you, hell I even wanted to see my parents again…but I just…I couldn’t help it.

“Finally, about two months before they let me go, they started doing what they called their most intense ‘treatment.’They had me hooked up to this machine that was measuring my blood flow and heart rate, then they would show me a bunch of pictures and…and when they…when…sorry…”

TJ is breaking down in front of me and I quickly shift around the table to hold him, wrapping my arms around him to comfort him and to shield him from the rest of the evening revelers who keep trickling in to the bar.

“It’s ok,” I say, “you don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. I swear.”

“No, I need to say this,” TJ responds taking in three deep breaths through his nose. “When they had me hooked up to the machine, whenever they showed me pictures of boys if they noticed blood flow increasing where they didn’t want it to or my heart rate going up even a little bit they would send…”He takes another deep breath. “They would send an electric shock through my body.” His voice breaks as he exhales.

“Teej…what the fuck…how is that even legal? Did your parents know? Are you ok?”

“I’m ok now…I think…kind of.I still get nightmares about it. My parents knew and they signed off on it. ‘Anything to help save your soul,’ they told me. After a month of that my body was so exhausted and I was so mentally unstable I wasn’t sexually aroused by anything.They slowly stopped giving me the electric treatment and then started to ‘ease me back’ into everyday life. Giving me back my phone and my clothes slowly so that they could monitor my every move and see if I would ‘start being a homosexual’ again. I was so drained that they thought I was cured. I wanted to call you so badly but I was scared of what you’d think of me and of what they would do if they found out about you…so I just didn’t say anything.

“Finally they let me go back home…but its like my mind was always there.The second or third day I came back was when I saw you at the mall. I wanted to go talk to you so badly, I wanted to kiss you, but my body physically wouldn’t let me move. Like it was scared of what would happen to it if I got close to you.

“When I finally got up the courage to message you, it was only after I promised myself that we would just be friends and that I would never tell you anything that happened to me. It felt like if I was honest with you then there wasn’t going to be anything I could do to stop myself from wanting you again. So I made up that bull shit excuse about you being clingy and I felt awful about it, I still feel awful about it, but I didn’t-“

I stop him short, “TJ no, you do not have to feel bad about that - obviously that sucked for me but it was nothing compared to what you were going through.”

“I know…I don’t know if I could do anything differently but I am still sorry about it because I know that what I did hurt you and I never wanted to do that.But I convinced myself we could still be friends, and we were throughout like, all of junior year. But I always knew I was lying to myself. We were essentially dating without the physical affection. I wouldn’t call them dates, I wouldn’t say I love you, I wanted to pretend that this was just friendship and that I didn’t have any feelings for you…until…”

“Until that night.”

“Yea, until that night. My parents were gone and you came over and I was just so attracted to you. It was like everything that I had shoved down inside of me was trying to burst through the surface. So I told myself I would just flirt with you a little bit, buy you ice cream, brush against your shoulder, maybe cuddle during the movie. But every time I would do something I could see how happy it made you and there was nothing I wanted in the world more than to make you happy and it made me so happy so I just kept going and that was the best night of my life. Waking up next to you in the morning and making you breakfast made me feel like I was on top of the world.

“When my parents got home that afternoon I started to freak out. All of the memories from the conversion camp started coming back to me. I tried to push those feelings and that fear away by convincing myself that it was just a one time thing but I couldn’t. Every time I saw you the only thing I wanted to do was to make you happy, was to love you fully, but every time I thought about doing or saying anything like that to you my body would tense up, scared that an electric shock would come through. So I thought that the only way to save myself and to spare you from more hurt was to just cut you off. I wanted so badly for all of those years to say something to you but if I said anything I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop myself and I was so scared of what would happen if I did.

“So I was an ass to you, I tried to make you hate me so that I could survive. I went to college as far from you as I could.I never dated anyone because every time I thought about trying to I could only think of you.After school I started working for my dad and living at home. I still have a bunch of debt and there wasn’t any way that I could live on my own yet.

“Finally, at the end of last week I broke. My parents and I were sitting around the table and were on our phones. While she was scrolling through Facebook she saw a picture that your mom shared of you at Pride. You looked so happy in that picture, I had already saved it on my phone to look at when I missed you, to assure myself that you were happy, because if you were happy without me then I could be ok with staying in the closet. But when my mom saw that picture she turned to my dad and me and showed us the picture, shaking her head.My dad scoffed and said how sad it was that your mom wasn’t willing to stand up for what was right and was letting you go down that evil path.My mom chimed in saying how grateful she was that they had intervened when they did.And then they both looked at me, stared holes into me, waiting for me to respond and validate the hateful things that they had done to me but I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t keep lying to myself and I couldn’t keep lying to them.

“So I told them that I wasn’t ‘cured.’ That I had never had a disease in the first place. That I am gay and that there was nothing that they could do to change that and if they loved me they would have to learn to accept it.

“My mom immediately burst into tears and my dad got so angry.He threw his chair backwards and got right into my face and threatened to take me right back to the conversion camp in the morning if I wasn’t going to get my act together.And I stared him in the eyes and told him no, I wouldn’t. I said I love you but I won’t do that to myself again. Then he just…he just gave up. He turned around, refusing to look at me, and told me that he refused to have anyone in his house who was an abomination before God. I looked to my mom to see if she would say anything but she just looked away from me. I went upstairs to pack a bag with everything that I needed. I grabbed as many clothes as I could fit and filled my backpack with my laptop, phone charger, and a few other personal things, went downstairs and grabbed my car keys to leave.

“My dad still refused to turn around and look at me, but my mom came over and grabbed my shoulder as I turned to leave.‘Please,’ she said, ‘if you love us please don’t leave like this.’ And I saw all of that hurt in her eyes, I gave her a hug but then I pulled away. ‘I do love you,’ I told her, ‘but I also love myself and I love Cyrus and if you won’t allow me to be all of those things here then I guess I have to leave.’ When he heard me say your name, my dad turned around with a flash of anger in his eyes. He screamed about how I had lied to them and pretended that you were a friend, he said lots of awful things as he screamed into my face. Then he fired me, told me not to come back to work, that he was throwing away all of my stuff that was there.I started to protest but he turned away again, rage bottled inside, and said, almost growling, ‘get the fuck out of this house Satan.’

“So…I left. The next day I took out all of the money that was left in my bank account and called you, and now I drove here, and now…now I don’t know what’s next. I don’t know if you want me around, I don’t know if you can forgive me for what I did to you, but I at least want you to know that I missed you, that I love you, and that, if you’ll have me, I will never leave you again.”


	6. Forward

I finally have a moment to breathe and process everything I’ve just been told as TJ takes a trip to the bathroom.I always knew there had to be more to the story but…damn. I pull out my phone to send a quick text to Jonah.

_Dude…so I can’t talk right now bc I’m still out with TJ…_

_but holy shit man…I’ve got so much processing to do with you_

I put my phone on do not disturb so that I won’t be distracted by Jonah’s responses once TJ gets back to the table and I put it back in my pocket. Thinking back on everything that he said tonight I obviously feel bad for TJ, and there is a huge part of me that wants to just forgive him and move forward. But then there is the other side of me. The part of me who has had trust issues be magnified ten-fold by the way he treated me. That part of me is ready to forgive, but probably not quite ready to forget.

I look up and scan the bar to see if TJ is making his way back towards me yet. While I catch no sign of him, I see more than one pair of eyes try to steal a glance in my direction, hoping that I don’t see their prying curiosity.Not that I can really blame them after seeing two men crying for 45 minutes straight.I make eye contact with the bar tender who makes a gesture towards the taps to ask if we want another round, but I shake my head - this situation has enough emotional volatility already, we don’t need to add even a little bit more intoxication to the mix. The questions in my head just keep circling, as though I’m being forced to reconsider everything I thought about the last 10 years of my life. I’m unsure of whether that is liberating or debilitating. My mind is brought back into focus as I see TJ leave the bathroom and walk back towards me.

God I missed that face…

“So,” he exhales as he sits back down next to me, our thighs brushing together sending sparks through my muscles. “I don’t really know if it would be possible to have anything even remotely resembling a regular conversation after that,” he says, finishing with a small laugh which I counter with a slight grin.

“Yea you’re probably right on that one,” I add. I am waiting for him to continue the conversation but he seems lost, unsure of where to go next and what words to use.  
“Well,” I begin tentatively, “I’m going to be honest, we probably shouldn’t drink anymore here tonight, that might not be the best for our emotions.” I add a small laugh to try and lighten the implied tension of the comment. “So you aren’t here on business, but where are you staying tonight?” I ask to change the subject.

TJ’s eyes bounce and shift towards the floor, avoiding my gaze like the plague. “Umm…” he starts briefly before cutting himself off. “I’m not really sure yet…still trying to work that out Iguess.”

I look down at my watch. “TJ, its almost 8! Its going to be really hard to find something unless we find somepl-“ I stop short as a muffled sob penetrates Luke’s pursed lips. I reach my arm back over his shoulder and it finds its place immediately, like they were built to fit together. He leans into my shoulder before he speaks.

“Cy…I…” He pauses, makes an attempt at a deep breath but can manage only something resembling a gasp. “Cy I don’t have enough money for a room…I only had like, $1400 in the bank because of student loans and I don’t have any way to make money right now so I just…I…”

His breaths become more rapid as I contemplate what to do. I guess I know what I have to do, I have to let him come stay with me. But how long can that last? And is that emotionally responsible for me to do that? Will I be ok? Fuck it, what choice do I even have.

“You’re going to come stay with me, Teej.”

TJ turns quickly to look up into my face, as I attempt to exude more confidence than I really have at the moment.

“Cy I couldn’t ask you to do that, after everything I’ve put you through, I can always-“

“No Teej, it’s ok, really. You’re going to stay with me for now. We’re going to get you back on your feet.”

“Cyrus no, I’ll sleep in my car or something, but I can’t ask you to-“

“You didn’t ask, you don’t have to. And I’m not asking what you want to do, I’m telling you that you are going to stay at my apartment. We’ll figure out the next steps later, right now we just need to get you home.”

TJ exhales long and slow, seeming to relax to a level he hadn’t the whole evening. It’s amazing how calming it is to know you’ll have a bed to sleep on.

“Thank you Cyrus,” he exhales again as he says my name, easing into the curve of my neck.

“Alright, let’s get you to my place.”

TJ stands and walks through the door, preferring to wait outside after half of the bar had likely heard his sob-filled life story. I walk up to the bar tender to pay, but she hands me my credit card without a receipt. She smiles kindly in response to my questioning look.

“Sweetie, I only heard about an eighth of your conversation but I think that the absolute least I can do is comp your drinks for the night.”

Whoever says New Yorkers are assholes just hasn’t taken the time to get to know them.

I return her smile and thank her, pulling a $10 bill out of my wallet for a tip, which I leave despite her insistence that it’s not necessary.

“Fine,” she says to me with a laugh, “I’ll take your tip, but only if you’ll take mine.”

I tilt my head, questioning what she might say next.

“That guy you were with, I don’t know what shit you guys have been through, but he cares about you. Probably more than anyone should care about someone else. Now you go forgive him and go get your man!”

………

I unlock the door to my apartment and hold it open for TJ, though he only has one suitcase and his backpack so it’s not as though he’s too weighed down.Looking around the room, I can’t help but feel as though it is smaller than it used to be. To my right, what one could generously call a kitchen was in desperate need of a cleaning, as the stack of dishes threatened to overrun the sink. In front of me was the door to the bathroom and my living/dining/bedroom with its couch, bed, tv, and coffee table arranged as aesthetically as possible given the lack of available square footage was on my left.

“I know it’s not much,” I say to break the silence, “but it’s nice to have a space that’s mine you know.”

“For sure, it’s nice, I really like it!How much is it a month if you don’t mine me asking?”

I send a sympathetic look TJ’s way, “$1500 a month,” I say.

“Wow…” TJ replies, sinking into the couch, knowing full well that it’s $100 more than he even had in his bank account when he left.

I walk over and sit next to him, close enough for our hands to brush, but not to entwine; not yet.

“I know it sounds like a lot of money, well, it _is _a lot of money.But jobs here pay a lot better too. I’m making almost double teaching here what I would make if I was back home. Most of that just ends up going to rent, but it really does make a difference.We’ll find you something. What did you end up getting your degree in?”

“Business marketing and graphic design, it was what my dad’s company needed and since I knew I could get a job there right after I graduated…it seemed like the best option I guess.”

“Do you enjoy it?”

“Yea…I guess. I mean, a lot of times it feels like I’m doing pointless work for people with a lot of money. So that’s not super fulfilling, but I really enjoy the graphic design aspect of it. Not so much the ‘hey, buy this thing that will make your life marginally better, maybe, probably not, but buy it anyway,’ part; that gets old pretty quick.”

I nod, trying to disguise the fact that I too have no idea how we are going to find him a job.

“Well, we’ll have plenty of time to find a job for you, let’s start with getting clean and getting some sleep. Do you want to take a shower while I grab some sheets for the couch? No offense but this isn’t exactly the cleanest you’ve ever been.”

TJ lets a small chuckle escape and I remember so quickly the multitude of little things that made me fall in love with him.

“No offense taken, I’m absolutely disgusting right now!”

“You said it, not me,” I reply with a laugh. “Here, let me show you where there are extra towels.”

………

I lie in bed and shake my head at the twists and turns my life has undertaken in the last few days. If you had told me only a few days ago that today, TJ Kippen would be sleeping on my couch while I scroll through various job boards for him, I would have taken you to a doctor immediately to check for brain damage.As I scroll, my phone vibrates in my hand I tap on the notification to open my texts from Jonah.

_CYRUS. WHAT HAPPENED. TELL ME EVERYTHING._

_Well long story VERY short, TJ is sleeping with me tonight so that was unexpected…_

_Holy SHIT Cy, I know you like him but why the HELL are you sleeping with him?!?_

_He’s been back in your life for like four hours?!?_

_oh shit!_

_Haha_

_He’s sleeping AT MY HOUSE, ON THE COUCH, NOT IN MY BED_

_No sex has occurred!!!_

_Oh my god Cy, I was not ready to handle the emotional rollercoaster you would have been on_

_Not saying you can’t handle yourself and your emotions, you’re an adult_

_But I mean…_

_That would have been an incredibly poor life choice_

_Lol, you aren’t wrong_

_But anyway, I guess long story slightly less short_

_TJ’s had feelings for me this whole time but his parents are like, CRAZY religious. I don’t want to tell too much of his story for him but…_

_yikes._

_There was conversion therapy camp, huge internal shame, and then when he finally came out to them a few days ago they kicked him out of the house and his dad fired him from the family _

_company that he was working for_

_and now he’s here…_

_damn…that’s awful :(_

_I’m glad he’s ok…or at least, that he’s safe with you_

_That’s so scary_

_I know…_

_Now I just gotta find this boy a job so that I don’t have to figure out how I feel about him while he’s sleeping only 8 feet away from me _🙄

_Haha, that’s fair_

_I’m going to get to bed bc I’ve got work in the morning_

_Love you Cy, and you know I’m always here if you need to talk :)_

_Thank’s Jonah, you’re the best_

_Love you too :)_

………

My eyes blink open, but I’m way too tired to have woken up naturally and there isn’t near enough light for it to be morning. I check my phone on my bedside table. _2:04? _Why would I possibly wake up at 2 am?

And then I hear the muffled sound that must have stirred me. The quiet sobs, smothered by a pillow, of one who has lost everything and sleeps alone on my couch, unsure of what will come next. I take a deep breath. _I’m probably going to regret this_, I think to myself before opening my mouth to speak.

“Hey TJ?”

Sniffles precede his response.

“Yea?”

“You know it’s ok to be sad about all of this right?”

“Yea I do, it’s just…it’s just really hard to feel like it’s all going to be ok. It feels like I’m all alone.”

I sit up in bed, looking down at the broken man lying on the couch beneath my feet.

“Can you come over to me Teej?”

“Yea…sure?” he obliges, wiping the remaining tears off of his eyes as he gets up.

“Would it help you sleep better to sleep in my bed?”

“Cy, I couldn’t ask you to give up your bed for me.”

“I’m not asking, I didn’t mean…” _Deep breath Cyrus. _“I meant would it be easier to get some rest if you were in my bed…with me. Not doing anything like that, just so that you have someone next to you to remind you that you aren’t alone.”

“Cyrus are you sure? I mean that would be really great but I don’t want to push you or-“

“TJ,” I cut him off, “I promise, I’m fine, just climb in.”

TJ pulls back the covers on his side of my bed and crawls underneath and our faces turn towards each other, only inches keeping us apart, but our eyes telling each other stories of a thousand words.

“Thanks Cy,” he says, a soft smile turning up the corners of his lips.

“Of course,” I say back, just above a whisper.

I wrap my arm over his back as he rolls over and our hands meld together on the other side, becoming one in the darkness surrounding us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're enjoying and let me know what you think!  
I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to make this fic so if you wan't to see their relationship keep growing show me some love in the comments!


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